Negging: You’re doing it wrong.

by Gareth Jones on July 5, 2011


Gareth posing in New York CityOf all the techniques in Pick Up, few are more misunderstood than the act of “Negging.” A little while ago, I wrote about the concept of Peacocking and, believe me, that runs a close second on the list of misinterpreted Pick Up skills, but Negging by far takes the cake as the leader in it‘s field.

Let me get this out of the way, as one of the Pick Up techniques that seeks to help a man gain power in the interaction through creating insecurity in women, neither myself nor the ABCs Of Attraction encourage the use of Negging. In fact, we don’t even teach them. Seduction can be achieved by becoming an attractive man and leading an attractive lifestyle, then showing a woman these qualities in yourself by learning to communicate with her and by ‘giving value‘, so Negs are completely unnecessary. To seduce with deception and ill-intent is underhanded and devious, directly conflicting with one of our principle beliefs, “Leave them better than you found them”, one of the most important in the community. However, since it would be presumptuous to assume I am going to sway the course of the entire social revolution, I’ll at least teach you how to do it properly.

In The Game, Neil Strauss paints a pretty cool picture that displays Negging as the one thing guys have been missing for so many years that can almost immediately transfer the weight and leadership of a seduction. This, as a whole, is fairly true. However, what he does not do or, more accurately, what has been overlooked in the history of the mainstream interpretation of seduction since The Game hit the NY Times Bestseller list, is give an explanation of the nuances of Negs and why we even use them in the first place.

To this day, the women that I have met that know even the most basic concepts of Pick Up have heard of Negging and, because of it’s blatant misuse in the PUA community, they use it as a catalyst to take the position that Pick Up is a load of hogwash. Since you, I, and all the women we’ve had relationships with know this to be untrue, why do they stick to this viewpoint?

Frankly, if you look at the seduction from her perspective, to misuse Negging immediately puts you into a category of rude and, even worse, miscalibrated guys that do not understand women (or social interaction) in the least. Whether this is actually true of your character or not, Negs are such a powerful device that to use them inappropriately will almost certainly cause more harm than good that their proper use can. It is because of this one characteristic that I think it’s necessary to flesh out what Negging is and how to avoid misusing it.

What You Need To Know First:

At clubs (especially strip clubs), there are women that consider themselves the absolute apex of the social world and consider everyone other than them less important, less popular, less desirable and, I’d even go so far as to say, imperfect. They consider themselves first class citizens and, unless you are both rich AND famous AND handsome, you’re not in the same league as they are. These women are fairly easy to spot. They are usually very tan, very tall (with extremely tall heels), have bodywork like breast augmentation and collagen in their lips, are very skinny and are usually wearing brightly colored (or highly noticeable) outfits.

In Hollywood, it’s usually a short, low-cut dress. They are often platinum blonde, but are most definitely some altered hair color, as most everything about their look has been altered to be closer to what both the media and popular culture refer to as “perfect”. These women are “perfect” looking, but are mentally imperfect. They often have eating disorders or what we call “daddy issues” and they consider themselves a league above men and this is where the strength of Negging lies.

It is important for me to introduce the fact that these types of women are not “HB10s” or, if you’re not hip to the Pick Up lingo, the most desirable girls in the club. There are many types of attractive women and the mentally stable ones are the most desirable (these are the 10s). The women that are emotionally healthy are without an inherent narcissism and, in most cases Negs will just offend them because their intelligence and social ability will take precedence over the belief that they are the best that the women described above have; The women that we call “Tanorexics”.

What Is Negging?

Negging is a specific throwaway statement designed to take a woman off of the aforementioned pedestal by making her question her perfection and suffering brief insecurity. Nasty, I know. Yuck. This insecurity is supposed to link a feeling of inadequacy to her in her interactions with you, so that you will hold the more secure and powerful frame in the conversation. Again, nasty.

The classic examples of Negs are phrases like “You’ve got something on your face” or, indirectly, “Is she always like this?” They are quick statements meant to be delivered without reaction-seeking, so that the feeling of insecurity is quick and she doesn’t have time to justify it. You are to move on from it quickly and to stack forward, immediately. This is where we lose most guys.

A lot of guys (myself included) are really interested in her reactions during the interaction. In fact, I think the most fun thing about the act of seduction is seeing her change from cold-hearted club girl to a giddy, talkative friend that enjoys spending time with you. That transition is amazing and we spend a lot of effort watching her to see the process unfold. When delivering Negs, paying attention to the outcome is fatal. If you’re paying attention to her outcome (or even allowing her to respond in most cases), she will pick up that it is a device meant to achieve some sort of result, and it’s effect will be lost.

This is why it’s so underhanded: we are trying to achieve something without letting her know what we’re doing. I hate that.

Frankly, one of my favorite times when first meeting a beautiful woman is when you know she likes you and didn’t expect to, she knows you like her and didn’t expect to, and you both talk about how cool and unexpected it is. When using insecurity as a leverage to bring a girl closer to you, you almost always lose the ability to connect with her on an honest and personal level. That’s no fun at all.

So, without adding any sort of underhanded meanings to this article, which is purely to break down a well-used seduction technique so people can at least use it properly, I give this knowledge to you and hope that you use it wisely. As always, I highly encourage you to to go out into the world and make other people’s lives better. I guarantee that when you start living the life of an attractive, confident, and social man, you won’t have to hurt people to get what you want and that you’ll find the confident, intelligent, and beautiful women that you’ve been dreaming about since day two will begin to come to you.

That’s all for now, folks.

Remember; better than yesterday!

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

frankfaz July 11, 2011 at 2:02 am

Last time a negged a girl, the cockblock slapped me in the face 5 times. ouch.

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Gareth Jones October 6, 2011 at 4:10 pm

I would’ve left after the first 2! ahah

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phazer July 20, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I think its important to note a lot of guys neg too early into the interaction where the girl hasn’t commited or shown any interest in the convo. If you neg her too early where she doesn’t care you actually hurt yourself. Its like a homeless person coming up to you and telling you you are wack…you aren’t gonna care

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Gareth Jones November 10, 2011 at 12:14 pm

The whole point of the neg is to neg when she hasn’t shown any interest. If you neg when she does show interest, you’re just insulting a girl that likes you.

Here’s the breakdown:
A partygirl doesn’t have any interest in you because she feels like she’s better than you.
You neg.
Now, she not only feels like she’s not as good as you, but she feels like you are aware of it.
Because her natural desire to be at the top of the hill will kick in, now she’s going to try to align herself with you because you’re at the top of the hill.

I would say your thoughts are backwards, but I see where you’re coming from.

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C.J. Siege July 21, 2011 at 5:04 pm

After doing pickup related for many years before I read Straus, I came to the conclusion that a ‘Neg’ was just miscalibrated teasing. While something like teasing t can be very playful and fun for both, a ‘neg’ turns into something ‘neg’-ative that a guy has to act his way past. This takes away from the naturalness of good pickup, the natural feel of good chemistry. Spending any time trying to ‘act’ one’s way past a comment, makes it harder to be on keen eye for the subtle signals that do lead to good calibration and good chemistry.

When a girl is playfully teased with about things it shows that her imprefections or silly mishaps are not a big deal. Yes it shows you do not hold her on too-high a pedestal to have to avoid joking around with, but this does not make her feel insecure in the process. Showing that you can playfully joke about them with her, indicates that they are not something she has any reason to feel self conscious about them. When she’s with you, she can be herself and its okay.

Rather than give her a breif insecurity, this playful teasing actually lowers her insecurity showing that her mishaps don’t bother you. It lowers her insecurity and raises her esteem for the guy who makes her feel this way. Laughing it off rather than be embarrassed. Easily joking like this takes it from being any elephant in any room. Rather than having her thinking about it more & being insecure about it, it adresses it and quickly moves on. The she knows none of the silly stuff has to be taken seriously.

If she had something on her face I’d pause her, grab a napkin and wipe it off for her, then keep talking since it is no big deal…the same way I would take the eyelash of my lover’s cheek.

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Alexander Rose October 20, 2011 at 6:14 am

I like that last bit. That is way more effective than a neg. I’ve had girls turn beet red and then get all giddy, as Gareth puts it, just from wiping away something from her face. :)

Although I must admit there wasn’t always something on her face. ;)

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Gareth Jones November 10, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I completely agree and, just like anything in pickup, most of it has to do with intention. Your intention in that case is to say “Hey, you are who you are and I not only respect it and accept it, but it can be part of our rapport” whereas, in a neg, you’re basically TRYING to make her feel bad for that particular idiosyncrasy. That’s where we tread the line of ‘using’ rather than ‘being’.

Completely right, though.

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The Jester September 28, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Irony: The last time I was flirting with a woman gorgeous enough to where one might consider negging her, SHE TOLD ME what negging was!!

Yeah, she already knew all about Mystery Method and I had to toss a ton of cheesy tactics aside.

Good thing I was able to improvise.

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Gareth Jones November 10, 2011 at 12:08 pm

HOT BABES, FTW. There is nothing more attractive than a girl that knows about the pickup scene and respects the good aspects, while disdaining the bad. One of the best conversations I’ve had with a girl came to an amazing summit when she said “You aren’t one of these guys that does this for a living, do you?” and I was like “Yup, but here’s why this interaction is different” and I actually got to explain why I liked her, why I responded the way I did, and why what I’ve learned has helped me capitalize on the meeting.

THEN: WE DATED.

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Bulldinkus October 16, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Sorry Gareth, negging works pal, and thou shant question what worketh

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Gareth Jones November 10, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Yeah, but works to do what? It works to create a relationship built on insecurity. If you just want to sleep with girls without creating actual connections, I’d rather use roofies. It’s quicker.

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jorda November 17, 2011 at 6:22 pm

its also illegal you dumb fuck. and not that much fun. i like my girls to be awake when my penis is inside them

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Gareth Jones January 8, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Thanks for the creative and helpful response, Jordan Greene! You have clearly grasped the sarcasm and inference of my comment! Good Luck!

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Alexander Rose October 20, 2011 at 6:10 am

This is a fucking amazing article man.

I met you briefly at the World PUA Summit but you have my utmost respect after reading this. I, too, really don’t like using cheap tricks to get women.

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Gareth Jones November 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Hey Alex, thanks for the compliment! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but you’re absolutely right. Anytime you have to use a trick that isn’t ACTUALLY a trick (like.. “Hey, wanna see a trick?”), you’re missing the point of the interaction and will actually have a harder time building a solid relationship than you would if you weren’t using tricks.

Thanks again for reading :)

-G

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Shaun July 11, 2013 at 8:02 am

Negging and a handful of other PUA stuff at it’s heart in my mind is simply a way to make you seem different than the literal 1000′s of other guys that are trying to bang her. It’s not that women like to be insulted or that insulting her somehow brings her down to your level. It’s that by “negging” you stand out from other guys and the more important part you don’t appear submissive to her.

I think where people get messed up is they think it’s the actual insult that’s attractive to the woman and not what the neg communicates to her. If you can think up a quicker way to communicate that you’re not submissive, value yourself and aren’t going to smother her all night if she talks to you then I’m confident that would work just as well.

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