One of my former bootcamp students just caught me on Facebook Chat with a question about a set that he recently had trouble with. I’ve copied the conversation for you, because I believe it represents something all aspiring Casanovas should be aware of: The concept of fear of success.
I’ve copied the conversation directly from Facebook Chat, but have edited for spelling, grammar, and syntax for readability. Also, I have included additional points to make me look much smarter.
So, I entered a 2 set; really cute blonde and an Asian girl. I opened them up with “-Secret Student Opinion Opener-”. They ate that up.
[We] banter, then my friend came in to wing…I dominated the conversation and slowly talked directly to the blonde.
About 10 mins in, I’m chatting with the blonde but my wing is not engaging the Asian girl, so I kick him in the leg couple of times and then he starts talking. As I’m talking to the blonde, I notice the Asian girl keeps looking around and I can tell that the blonde might be feeling bad or something. I felt I was losing the set and what I thought was a IOD was when the blonde took out her Chapstick or lipstick, then I ejected the set nicely. Looking back, maybe I should [have] got the blonde isolated and away from her friend.
What’s your question?
What do you do when her friend is bored?
Stop paying attention to her. Haha.
(Edit: There are lots of things to do when her friend bored, but in this case, this is what the student needed to do)
The reason the set failed was because you ejected, not because of anything her friend did.
The reason you ejected was because you were pretending you were The Great Psychic Wizard that can read women’s minds.YOU CAN’T READ WOMEN’S MINDS! The girl never tried to pull your blond away, nor did she even engage you in conversation after you isolated. So, what you need to work on is a) not shooting yourself in the foot and b) being present in the moment. If you have 10 minutes to talk to a girl by herself, I have no doubt she will be attracted to you.
IF the Asian girl comes to steal her away, you just do the bathroom blocker (edit: an anti-cock-block routine for the bathroom pull-away that we teach in every ABCs Of Attraction bootcamp) and then engage her in the conversation.
The point of this interaction is that you talked yourself into failure and now you’re trying to find out what to do when you fail in another way. Whereas, the most important point is to simply realize that you hadn’t failed in that set at all.
The Asian girl could be disinterested, but maybe she’s not the type to cock-block her friend. Also, maybe she just has ADD and is looking around because she likes the guy so much and is nervous looking him in the eye.
Haha. Yea. I think I did eject too soon, damnit.
Of course you ejected too soon. Why are you running away from IODs anyway? You shouldn’t bail until she fails three compliance tests. (edit: give a woman a dose of her own medicine and respond to her actions, not her words. Never leave a set until a woman isn’t willing to invest in you in any way, not just when she’s not continuing the conversation in ways that you think she should. We can’t read minds! Let’s not pretend we can!)
Also, as an aside: a woman putting on Chapstick or lipstick is displaying a HUGE IOI. (edit: Serious business.)
FAIL! OK. Well, lesson learned.
The most important part of your progress as a PUA is to allow yourself to fail, but not to encourage it. When I first started, I would help students get over AA (Approach Anxiety) by intentionally getting blown-out of sets. We’d approach huge sets of HB10s with a cheesy smirk and “You girls come here often?” and they’d kick us right out, dismissing us as try-hard AFCs and it would do nothing to us. After all, this was what we were going after, right? However, I soon learned that getting too used to this rejection stops our brains from kicking into overdrive to avoid it (both consciously and subconsciously). Encouraging failure of any kind can set the brain on a path of no return, seeking out failure at every opportunity by providing us with limiting beliefs or excuses that stop us from succeeding. This is, in essence, the same problem with being too relaxed while in danger; we disengage our instinctual responses and end up missing a lot of the mental acuity and clarity that helps us in stressful situations (i.e. when you are supposed to feel like time slows down).
John C. Maxwell provides us with a great quote that we constantly reference: “Experience teaches nothing, but evaluated experience teaches everything”, meaning losing sets does not teach you anything, but understanding why the set has been lost makes that interaction valuable once more. We apply this mantra in this situation by using it as the motivation to push past our comfort zone to, instead of becoming comfortable getting blown-out, learn how to avoid getting blown-out. It is a tricky business, but one that must be understood before full success is reached.
Our brains do not want us to succeed and grow; it involves a lot of effort and inherent danger. In 2010, the danger in approaching women is not life and death, but our bodies still react like it is (evolution? Aren’t you supposed to be happening?). It is our job to reject these limiting beliefs and better ourselves in spite of all obstacles.
Hope this helps!